Happiness...some people have to earn it...To This Day

What happened last night?

Ever have those days where you KNOW you should've just stayed in? Well I think that's what happened to me last night. So I decided to hang out with my ex FIRST MISTAKE. With everything I'm going through right now that was not supposed to happen, but I did and I made a fool of myself. I was drunk and my emotions were then set on high and I had a "moment" that's so unlike me and I hate it. I know I said things that weren't true and things I don't really mean. It was all mouth garbage. Once again I was looking for a fun night and my feelings/mouth took over. I guess I was overdue for said "moment." I ended up in Brooklyn..wtf..where I proceeded to drink more SECOND MISTAKE..I fell asleep and ended up on the "L" train and I woke up somewhere far away from where I was supposed to be and by then it was 6 am and the sun was out. I finally get home and get 3 hours of sleep.

During my sleep all I could think about was "Happiness" I see it all around me and yet I'm not experiencing any of this happiness. I'm a pretty positive person and I would never knock anyones happiness, but I was wondering why I have to work so hard at being happy. What was I or what did I do in a past life where happiness is not being granted to me? Whatever this phase is in my life I want it to be over. My life at this point should be a lot different from what it is now on a personal level. I'm fighting my own personal Spartan Race and this obstacle course is kicking my ass at every turn.

TO THIS DAY

To This Day
When I was a kid
I used to think that pork chops and karate chops
were the same thing
I thought they were both pork chops
and because my grandmother thought it was cute
and because they were my favourite
she let me keep doing it

not really a big deal

one day
before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees
I fell out of a tree
and bruised the right side of my body

I didn’t want to tell my grandmother about it
because I was afraid I’d get in trouble
for playing somewhere that I shouldn’t have been


a few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise
and I got sent to the principal’s office
from there I was sent to another small room
with a really nice lady
who asked me all kinds of questions
about my life at home

I saw no reason to lie
as far as I was concerned
life was pretty good
I told her “whenever I’m sad
my grandmother gives me karate chops”

this led to a full scale investigation
until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises

news of this silly little story quickly spread through the school
and I earned my first nickname

pork chop

to this day
I hate pork chops

I’m not the only kid
who grew up this way
surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we’d be lonely forever
that we’d never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there’s no way for it to metastasize

it does

he
was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family tree
adopted
but not because his parents opted for a different destiny
he was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left alone
and two parts tragedy
started therapy in 8th grade
had a personality made up of tests and pills
lived like the uphills were mountains
and the downhills were cliffs
four fifths suicidal
a tidal wave of anti depressants
and an adolescence of being called popper
one part because of the pills
and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
he tried to kill himself in grade ten
when a kid who still had his mom and dad
had the audacity to tell him “get over it” as if depression
is something that can be remedied
by any of the contents found in a first aid kit

to this day
he is a stick on TNT lit from both ends
could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it’s about to fall
and despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration
he remains a conversation piece between people
who can’t understand
sometimes becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
and more to do with sanity

we weren’t the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
oddities
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell

but I want to tell them
that all of this shit
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
“they were wrong”
because maybe you didn’t belong to a group or a click
maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong

they have to be wrong

why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don’t worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
fuck off we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me

of course
they did

but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.

Stress Levels

Hey blog,

I haven't forgotten about you. The past two weeks have been stressful...I don't have a whole lot going on...I think, but I'd really like to have a vacation from myself. Is that possible? One full week of rehearsals left for PRISON SONG and then it's showtime. I can't wait for the show to finally open. It really has been a labor of love for me and it's also taking it's tole (sp?) on me mentally. Between work, rehearsal, and working out I've realized once again that my life has fallen into it's typical pattern again. Where is the excitement you might ask? Well, I don't even know the answer to that myself. Last night while I was running at the gym and listening to my ipod I started to think about this trend I seeing going on in my life.

I've decided to put me first for the rest of this year. I see relationships blossoming for everyone around me and I'm happy for all of them, but I would be lying if I didn't really wonder when that was going to happen to me. Right now I'm not pushing for it or seeking it out because I think I might be slowly giving up on it. I see happy people dating and going out and I just think that's so nice. The other day someone at work asked why I wasn't dating anyone and didn't I realize half the guys at work have tried to ask me out and whatnot, but I don't mix work with relationships, and they've all "been" with each other, and it would just fail in the end. I said that I'm also tired of putting in extra hours and work into dating or being in a relationship right now and not seeing any type of good outcome with it. I stay positive about a lot of things and I've come to realize what I need right now is really just to be alone and sometimes that's hard for my mind to grasp, but for me being alone saves me from a lot of heartache. I'm too nice. I'm too faithful. I'm to giving and forgiving and it's time to lock it up right now. Even sexually. The other day I added some apps to my phone and I was completely not into them and I deleted them. I'm not going to find what I want on those apps and I'm sure as hell not going be appreciated with that shit either. I also hate those damn things too. I'm not bashing people that use them or find pleasure hooking up from time and time...it's just where I am right now...it's not for me..and it's not what I'm looking for. I'm a simple guy, nothing to complex, straightforward, honest, and reliable...I'd rather walk into my 30 or 40's alone and at least no I'm happy by myself because in the end that's what counts right?

I miss the nights of Dinner and a Movie.... :( Next week a OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL comes out and nobody understands how long I've waited for this movie to come out and it would be super nice if I could just go out and see it and not alone for once. ALTHOUGH I do find more joy in seeing movies alone. Last month I went and saw Wicked by myself and it was pretty good. I had an extra ticket, but nobody could go... I sold it :/

Well here's to a better week and not a sad week. Maybe something good will happen! Who knows but I look forward to it.

Well g2g PEACE

The Night That Wasn't

I'm JUST getting home from a night of "?" and "WTF?"

This entire week I've been looking forward to this day...FRIDAY! I was going to meet up with my friends and we were going to have a much needed night out together. Well, it turns out it was a night of "Why doesn't everyone else want to party?" This entire night I was looking forward to bouncing around bars and actually having a great time at a few of them. We went to the opening of the "new" Boxer's in Hell's Kitchen...that was very mediocre. We went to "Flaming Saddles" to be honest..that's just not my vibe and reminds me to much of home, but the music is fun. Then we went to "The Ritz" where I was actually having a good time dancing with my friends and I thought we were having a good time. Turns out one friends is really tired...He's got a man & the other is on the hunt for night of meaningless fun. I am however really glad that they both came out, even though I wasn't ready to part.

Don't you hate those night where it's been so amped up to you and it finally comes and you're underwhelmed by it? I don't know what I was looking for? I need to find a group of single friends or something. Everyone I'm surrounded by is all boo'ed up or something or the other and tonight I just really wanted to have a fun night with friends. I've been knee deep in this show and work that tonight I really needed to de-stress. Tonights got me thinking a lot and wanting to do other things. There was a perk tonight. I was being critiqued by a few gays tonight at Posh while I was getting my drink and what they said about my figure and clothes was quiet nice...this working out is paying off ;) Of course I don't want to attract the wrong people and I don't want a group of drama ridden friends..what I want is something consistent, and lasting. Is it really true that nice guys have to finish last? If so, finally, tonight I say THAT'S BULLSHIT and LAME!!! I've been waiting years, and I've been patient and kind...and really what's it gotten me with other people? I am so close to giving up...I am. I'm tired of being hurt...i'm so tired. It's so easy some nights just to close my eyes and not have to think about the day. My life is one big One or the Other and everyday I have to face the facts with my options and that is my career or life. I would gladly just choose my career... I just don't want to end up a Scrooge. If I am to be alone can't it be the most incredible journey so that in my next life when I'm "settled" down I'll know what it's like to be alone and at least know that in a past life I once had the most incredible adventure?

The Life I've Never Led

I've never gone surfing,
or ran with a crowd.
Or danced on a table,
or laughed much too loud.
I've never quite dared
to leave myself bared -
I've just been too scared I might fall,
I've never seen Paris,
swum naked,
or even been given flowers.
I've never quite realised
just how much I've missed
And what did I get
for hedging each bet?
Another regret, and that's all.
And all of the wishes unasked for,
All of needs unfed -
They're all that remain
of the life I've never led

And all of the feelings unspoken,
all of the truths unsaid,
they're all I have left
of the life I've never led.

I want to be brave,
I want to be strong.
I want to believe
I'm where I belong.
To stand up and say
"I'm seizing the day"
To not just obey, but to choose.
And I may not surf,
I may not see France.
but I want to know
I still have the chance.
And maybe I'll make
a painful mistake.
It's mine though, to take or refuse.
And all of the doors yet to open,
all of the rooms ahead -
They're beaconing bright,
scary and new -
But I'm standing tall,
and I'm walking through.
What's gone may be gone,
but I won't go on
playing dead!
It's time to start living
the life I never led.

Focus, Focus, Focus...

Although I have a lot going on it feels like I have a lot of time for some strange reason.

As it is that this year I'm putting myself back together and figuring myself out once again. I was overdue for a heart to heart with my bestfriend Melvin, he lives in Hawaii, but his word and his knowledge about me is fact and he can break it down for me without hurting my feeling, but keeping it real at the same time. Yesterday I just pretty much unleashed everything I've been going through on him and how I feel about it and what I'm learning from it. Although he was understanding he didn't shy away from just stating the straight up facts and what he told me I should do when I got here to NYC. Some of what he said is I've mentioned before in previous blogs but I needed to hear it from someone else. I just needed to focus on my career and not being with anyone right now. When I'm with someone I give my all, but not enough to my craft and my talents, but when I'm not single I devote all of my much needed energy to my career, but at the same time I don't want to feel alone in life. As I've stated before I'm not one for hook-ups or needing to have my sexual desires fulfilled by a "regular" or "random"..I've got my hands for that, but I want to be able to share my life with someone and I've faced the fact that I'm not going to be able to do that until I'm established and knowing that sucks, but it should also motivate me at the same time. It feels like Middle, High, and College all over again where I have to watch from the sidelines and see other people enjoy other peoples company while I just enjoy my career. In the meanwhile I've got to find a date to the movie premier next weekend...ugh

It's not as if I can't go out on dates, and I've turned down one already that Jordan, and Yanni tried to set me up with. It's just yet again..I KNOW what I NEED to be doing.

I've got the Spartan Race coming up and it's a HUGE deal for me for personal reasons and I plan on finishing it too!

No Rest For The People That Work Hard

So today has been a pretty chill day folks,

I didn't do much but hit my 100 mark in my push-up, 400 crunches, and 80 sit-ups. I'm beasting sooo freaking much lately. A lot of people don't know but I use to be 250lbs and now I'm officially down to 200. I've lost 50lbs the HEALTHY way in a year!!!! But by Aug. 2nd when I celebrate my 27th birthday I should be down to 170 or maybe 165lbs (It's a stretch).

Today we officially moved into the Primary Stages rehearsal space in Manhattan for rehearsal for PRISON SONG...I'm not going to talk too much about what happened today in rehearsal. I'll make a video for that..duh! Let's just say I my personal space was invaded and that's what this show is about!

My time here in Queens is coming to and end here and I can't wait to see what happens. I opened a fortune cookie today and it's read "You Will Do Great Things" and I've already started. I'm going to give a mind blowing performance in Prison Song and I'm just going to open myself up again. It's time...and I'm OVERDUE for a lot of things in my life and I also understand that it also means I've got to make sacrifices in my life to obtain the goals I want to achieve before I'm 30...I'm a pretty headstrong guy and when I set things in motion I waste no time. I just hope I just don't lose so much focus I forget to live. I admit that what I begin to rise up I miss out on a lot of life lessons because I'm simple not use to certain emotions and that's landed me in sticky situations in the past. I've got to find that balance with my emotions and getting it under control.

Finding Solace

Turning off the media and turning on life...

Today after a long day of work...which I've got to put my notice in soon. This will be the shortest time I've ever worked somewhere, but I've got to go! I don't want to go into much detail about my work life because there really isn't that much to tell except that's not what I want to be doing and that's not what I moved here to NYC to do!

I decided to spend the evening after work in the city. I didn't go to a club or to a bar...I hung-out at Panera Bread on 40th and 5th and talked to Dustin, Victor, Alex, Sophia, and Alex till the place pretty much closed down. I also realized that the Grilled Cheese that I had at Panera was the first meal I'd eaten all damn day...ever since having the Stomach Flu my appetite has diminished greatly plus I've been so busy where I do forget to eat..oops, I KNOW!!! Anyway, of course the boys chatted about what else? BOYS and then we moved on to politics, cocaine, and theatre. It was a pretty interesting conversation. Afterwards we stepped outside and it was snowing and for some reason I start talking about "The Wiz" (my favorite musical) and right as Victor, and I are walking down the side walk and singing "Ease On Down The Road" we dance right past the New York Public Library the exact one that was in The Wiz. I had a "geek" moment and had to take a photo of the lion.

We parted ways and said our goodnights we all got on out trains...I'm always the LAST to get off because I live in bumfuck Queens. lol,but every night as I get off the train the since of loneliness sets in. Even when I was dating...I've felt this feeling when getting off the train and it causes me to think and some nights I just don't want to think, but that hike back to my apt always gets me thinking. I just thought about what I want and need out life in general and what I came here to NYC to do and to be honest it's time to set all these things I've been thinking about into motion. I came here with a very direct agenda and I will succeed. I'm going to put aside my "love" life for two years...if someone comes along..great! If not trust me..I'll be alright. I tweeted when I first came to NYC "I will be established before I become ANYONE'S husband" and I mean it. I'm a very headstrong person and I put that aside last year, but this year in 2013 T, it full grown. I've got things to do before I'm 30 and I need no distractions.

I'm a strong guy, and I'm very mature for my age. Today at work Shantay said something to me that me smile "You're a diamond in the rough, babe! Good things are coming to you, and have to realize that God takes certain people out of your life so someone else can sweep you off your feet, and you'll look back and say 'What was I thinking?'and the real kicker about to day was while at work several girls stopped me and asked to feel my arms and they told me how handsome I was and took a picture with me...when they said that I almost cried, but I held it in and (1,2,3 Bright flash) put that smile on.

Hahha I'm gonna be alright! I always am!

He is His Work and Nothing More.

So the past couple of days have really been me picking my own self off of the floor and getting my shit back together.
I've been putting a lot of my focus on my workouts and on the play I'm currently in. In a few weeks I'll be making my "official" NYC theatrical debut in PRISON SONG at Primary Stages and right now this play for me has been making me do a real self exploration of myself and what it means to truly show emotion and going to the bare bones root of problems that I have. This blog though isn't going to be about my exploration of the play..you can check that out on my youtube channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/PhantomPV09?feature=mhee) for all that good stuff.

(PRISON SONG DIARY)


So I finished filming and one of the films I've finished actually comes out in area theaters Valentine's Day and I'm really excited about that. I just realized I don't/won't have a Valentine...ugh I can't even go their...someday...no self-pity parties.

In March I'll be heading to Long Island for awhile to do some work and I'm actually looking forward to this. I've taken up a new venture that started yesterday and it's taking me out there for awhile.

Ever since I've been "single" guys have been coming at me to no avail. Although I'm single...I'm not available emotionally or even sexually right now. Most people can go single and fuck the crap out of someone or vice versa, but I wasn't built that way for some reason. I'm starting to believe I was made by some scientist to personify the "perfect" mate...but the people I've come across are all ...i don't know.

I've got to get back to my lines. Whenever I'm not attached to someone I get offers for shows out the ass and jobs like whoa...maybe I am my work and nothing more and I've got to choose between love or love of my work.

Daydreamers PLEASE wake-up! We can't sleep no more.

Okay, So I've not been keeping this up the way I should and I'm back....but I'm going to vent, and then I'll move forward. Sometimes you think things are going so perfect and then you begin to realize a lot of things. I guess I'm single once again...story of my life! right? I often wonder why I was strung along the way I was. I noticed that I wasn't being told a lot of things and only being made aware of certain subjects only around other people and not being able to speak on how I felt about it and it often left me silent. Like vacation trips or future plans, whenever they would come up they were told around other people and never in private. When someone does that to you it begins to make you think that you're not as respected in the relationship as you thought and kind of makes you feel left out. Other things happened as well that I don't want to really discuss just because I'm still really sensitive about it all and I'm a very passionate person and I give too much and sometimes I come up empty handed in the end. All I can say is it's hard for me to believe that someone could be searching for love that they are so ignorant to not notice it when it's staring them right in the face. If you're going to be with someone you've got to respect them and that's not just partial respect..but total respect, because it is someone else's feelings you are dealing with. I'm tired of being burned by people when it comes to relationships and saying they want something yet that's not what they really want. On the up and up...no more self pity blogs..You KNOW that's not how I role at all. I've been taking my body to the next level and that been one of my ways of taking my mind off of a lot of stuff that's raping my life. I've finished shooting a scene for a film and I'm a lead in my first play here in NYC and it's opening at Primary Stages on March 6th. I've met some pretty kickass friends while living here in NYC and I've been invited to a lot of parties here and that's pretty cool. I'm beginning to get a feel for this city and what it means to call this place home. Nobody said that this place wouldn't be without it struggles whether that's in love or just life in general. I've got a lot going on in my life right now and I'm so glad for the friends that I have here and the one's I've made. Love, don't make no sense, ask your neighbor. The winds have changed, it seems, that they've abandoned us. The truth hurts and so does yesterday. What good is love, if it burns bright and then explodes in flames. (I thought everything had love) Are we really living, or walking dead now? Or dreaming of the hopes round in the wings of angels. The way we live, the way we die. What a tragedy, I'm so terrified. DAYDREAMERS PLEASE WAKE-UP! WE CAN'T SLEEP NO MORE! P.S. You don't give up, because you're scared.