The Invisible Ladder

"I knew as a child that no one knew me..." - Li-Young Lee

Another night in the Ruins(home). Sitting here typing, typing, typing away. It's 12:30 am and I'm eating frozen pineapples and outside if seems as if the wind has all the answers that I'm looking for. Stress, Stress, Stress go away. This change, this return home is not so easy an adjustment as I thought it would be. I waste the daylight hours away in the gym constantly tweaking my image that to me is not yet perfect, but at night I haunt the bars looking for some type of solace. From The Speakeasy, to the Upsidedown Plaza, and over to the Courtyard drinking the night away as if tomorrow something different will come. Different. Different! Different? Right now great poets are swimming though my mind, Langston Hughes, Nikki Giovanni, Rita Dove..my favorites. They tell me to write. Write? Write! In my head I think of "The Eavesdropper(Jane Wayne)" from last night. "The small girl crouched on the top steps to listen is still waiting to hear her name on their lips, to come alive like a deck of card shuffled in their downstairs hands. She's still motionless outside the living room, staining to catch some hint than no one drops, still in that hallway dwelling on their talk as a thumb does a rough fingernail." She caught my eyes because she looked like she has a lot to talk about yet nobody was listening to her.

Last night a thousand senses caressed my spirit. What was supposed to be a house warming party turned into a searching out souls and auras. It's funny how what might seemed insignificant to some at the party actually was what everyone at the party was searching for. Another soul to connect with another soul. One person spoke of raking auras and the minute mine was raked I felt all the love that person truly had to offer to someone. My soul is sensitive to touch. I've always known that I have a very sensitive soul, it feels love more affectionately, and feels hurt more intensely, but yet I love these to extremes. I've come to find a middle ground with my soul and my spirit. I've continued to give love, even after it's hurt me. I've hurt some that haven't hurt me. I feel that my soul on the middle of an Invisible Ladder that hovers between love and hate....it's weird that I've come to this balance in my life.

I want my soul to be raked fiercely, intensely, passionately, and peacefully.